The Awkward Adventure of Spiderman and Deadpool
by Astarael's Bell
Summary: While on a mission with Spider-Woman and the new Captain Marvel, Spiderman finds himself in a rather awkward situation regarding his team mates, and Deadpool seems oddly intent on making it worse. Best classified as a crackfic. T for implied sexy times and I think there's a swear word in there somewhere.


**Disclaimer:**_** The characters featuring in this story do not belong to me, which in light of what I have just written, is probably a good thing.**_

**The Awkward Adventure of Spiderman and Deadpool  
\featuring Captain Marvel and Spider-woman/**

"_Ugh… yes, Carol…"_

Peter lay awkwardly, unsure of how exactly he is supposed to be feeling about the noises coming from the room next to his.

For a while, he'd explained it away as, well... Anything else. Training, stretching, sickness moans... Very, very sexy sounding sickness moans that really, despite his excuses, don't sound like Carol and Jessica are sick.

"…_.Oh, yesss… uh…"_

In fact, if he is to be honest, they sound quite well.

So now he just lays there, contemplating the cracks in the cheap motel celling and trying not to hear his teammates. Or to think about what they may or may not be doing... Which is none of his business anyway.

"… _Shhh, they'll hear you…"_

"Sounds like they're having a good time in there, eh?" Wade notes, almost casually, like he's commenting on the weather outside.

"… _I… oh… I don't care…"_

Peter turns his head to scowl at the mercenary, who's lying on his side with his head propped up on his arm, like a teenage gossip with some fantastic new information.

"It's not our business, Wade. We shouldn't... It's not our business," Peter mumbles, wishing he was somewhere else, away from the sexy noises.

Deadpool gives a shrug and Peter can make out a grin underneath the mask; A rather wicked looking grin. "They're sort of making it our business, I mean, it doesn't sound like they're _hiding_ _anything_... Certainly not from each other..." Deadpools eyebrows waggle under his mask. It's actually a rather sinister sight, Peter notes, turning away from the mercenary; the expressions moving underneath the mask, which obviously has little expression of its own, it's sort of creepy.

"… _Ohfuck… Carol… yes…keep doing… ugh..."_

Still, it's better not to think about it… about them... Doing the things... Things that Peter is certainly not thinking about. "Carol will vaporize us," he sighs meekly, only to have his words lost with a loud crash and more noises from next door.

"… _Think we broke it…"_

For a while, Peter just continues his contemplation of the roof, in all its cracked glory, tracing his eyes over all the overlapping splits in the ceiling.

"So... I, uh, bet you must be missing Mary Jane pretty badly, huh?" Wade asks him, twisting his free hand into his sheets absently, his voice taking on an odd, almost - dare Peter even say he heard it - _shy_ quality.

"… _Pay for damages… just keep… ohh…"_

"I always miss her when I'm like this... When I'm away," Peter admits, though why Wade is suddenly curious about it leaves Peter suspicious.

"Have you ever, you know... Thought about ways to put your mind off it? When you're out on the road... Without her?"

"…_why… even have one of those… oh…ahhhh…"_

Really, Peter knows that this conversation isn't going anywhere he's going to like - he is speaking to a man who thinks he's living in a comic book, after all - but his curiosity gets the better of his suspicion, and he has to ask, "what are you even talking about, Wade?"

"Well, Cap M and Spider-woman have certainly found a way to... get their minds off things."

Yeah, Peter shouldn't have asked.

"… _oh god… Jessicaaaa…"_

"No, Wade. Just no," he says, shooting an incredulous look at the unstable mercenary across from him.

"You can't say you're not just a tiny bit tempted, Peter-man," Deadpool teases in a sultry tone, and Peter finds out that he really isn't a fan of Wade's sexy voice, if one would even call it that.

"Actually, I can, and that's exactly what I'm saying, so not interested, dude."

"… _yesss… oh yesss… uh, oh… ohhh…"_

Deadpool huffs and rolls onto his back, crossing his arms tightly over his chest, like a kid throwing a tantrum. "Yeah right, Spidey. Look at me, man! I'm like, sexy all wrapped in a badass suit."

"Are you pouting under that mask?" Peter asks, unable to stop himself, "aww, man, that's almost adorable."

"I'm not pouting Peter, I happen to be doing my lip exercises that vaguely resemble pouting, and you're an idiot. My milkshake brings all the boys, Spidey, you _know _you want this."

Peter grins despite himself, "you're right Wade, I'd be _crazy_ not to want you."

"… _Don't stop... oh yes…"_

"Oh, really? Ha, I knew you wanted it!" Wade's voice gains a slight hope to it when he replies, and Peter supposes that after all that's happened to the guy lately, he must just be feeling really down about himself; This must be his crazy way of trying to – like he said – take his mind off it.

Evidently though, Wade must've missed the sarcasm in Peter's last comment.

"No, Wade, I really don't. Ever," he sighed, rolling to face the wall and putting his pillow over his head…

"… _Oh ,yes… Captain Marvel... put the suit on…" _

"It brings all the boys, Peter! Even the writer knows it."

… It's going to be a long night.

End.

**A/N: **_**So I wanted to write a Carol/Jessica thing, because I think Carol rocks, and her new Captain Marvel stuff is awesome. Also, there's not a lot of Carol femslash that I can find (so if anybody can rec some, I'd be ever so happy). So while I was daydreaming away with all the adventures that Carol and Jessica could have, this scene just sorta jumped into my head. I apologise for my inaccurate portrayals of Spiderman and Deadpool (and probably Carol and Jessica, too), but everything I write just seems to turn into crack ;)  
Yaay Crack!  
… or, Boo Crack. It's up to you, I suppose.**_

_**Still, feel free to let me know what you think! Reviews are like the milkshakes that bring all the boys to the yard. Only they're not really milkshakes… and there is no yard :/**_


End file.
